Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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