What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
