I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
