I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i've created a new STD.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
