maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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