I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
