can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
