I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize