U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
