dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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