I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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