The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
