just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
sarcasm needs its own font
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
