Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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