There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
