This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
