I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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