Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
