God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
