She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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