My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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