I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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