I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
