Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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