i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
