you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
