be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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