Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
