Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
