I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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