I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
