I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize