I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
