Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
