The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
