Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
