my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
