I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
