Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
