You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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