Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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