Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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