He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
