then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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