i'm signing you up for texting rehab
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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