he puts the penis in happiness.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
