alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
