grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
