10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
