Only a mothe r could love this liver
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
