please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
