I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
