My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
