he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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