I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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