Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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