I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
