This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
