I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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