my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
