I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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