Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize